does it hurt?

A minute ago, I was watching some Fleetwood Mac vids and thinking about my ex-girlfriend, Jen. Jen and Stevie had the same smile, and Jen was a fan of the group, too. In fact, she turned me on to Peter Green and their early stuff. I think of the pleasure and pain in our relationship. And when I listen to the music, yes, it hurts. Is a lot of music painful to listen to because you associate it with defunct relationships? Or does it no longer matter, and you can appreciate it on the music's own terms?

When I broke up with my first serious girlfriend was not long after the Smithereens first album came out in the mid-eighties. Every song on the album was about lost love or unrequited love. The pain is long gone but man, listening to that album sure takes me back. Its more like nostalgia in a (weird) kind of way.

Grace, Jeff Buckley.

That album only makes sense in terms of painful relationships.

It's just gut-punchingly beautiful, but I still avoid it near fifteen years later. What's the point?

i once had the pungent experience of watching Lyle Lovett sing "If I Were the Man You Wanted" in a club whose audience also included a recent ex- and my replacement. we're friends now, me and the ex, but that song still puts the hurt back on me as a vague memory.

I spent a entire summer a few years ago from a heartpunch listening to mostly the Velvet Underground & The White Stripes, while avoiding The Left Bank, The Hollies & The Beach Boys.

There are a few artists whose music I associate with painful breakups. Fortunately, most of them I would avoid anyway. Billy Joel and the Alan Parsons Project both come to mind.

On the other hand, I'm very fond of Abba, thanks to a terrific girlfriend I had. She was a big fan, and I heard Abba often enough while I was with her to gain an appreciation for it. Our romance ended on very good terms — she already had plans to move out of state, so we just agreed to make the best of the time we had. So the associations haven't soured at all.



Post Edited (09-24-08 09:43)

I once felt that "Gift," "Your Favorite Thing" and "Explode and Make Up," three songs from Sugar's File Under: Easy Listening, formed a trilogy that explained a brief but intense relationship I had the same summer the album came out.

But overall I've always kept music detached from my emotional entanglements, in order to avoid all the situations described here. Ultimately all my relationships fall away, but the music stays with me forever (probably the reason the relationships fail, in fact).

They say time heals all wounds and I think the same goes for music as well. Maybe because I never really associated songs with girls I've been involved with before.

What about the lengths we go to impress women beforehand? I knew a guy that bought the entire Judybats catalog because a girl he was interested liked them. It got him nowhere.

I finalize my divorce tomorrow, and so am soliciting advice on some good marriage breakup songs. Girlfriend/boyfriend breakups dont count. The divorce is not at all a messy one, but still I really require some music solace.

We first became a couple in 1992 (married in 2000) and so the music I find most emotionally charged is the indie rock from that era: Yo La Tengo, Dinosaur Jr, Pavement, Superchunk, PJ Harvey, Sugar, etc. The music is only indirectly related to the relationship but the intensity of feeling is real enough. My soon-to-be-ex was, and always will be, a super cool indie-girl and we have exchanged mix-tapes (yes, tapes only) every couple of months for our entire time together. I hope this tradition will continue. She has a fledgling romantic relationship with a young hipster, and I have to admit I am more jealous that she is swapping music with someone else than anything. (OK OK, I exaggerate, but you get the idea)

"Pop songs your new boyfriend's too stupid to know about" - Tullycraft



Post Edited (09-24-08 13:58)

Well having been through break-ups and divorce, I have to say there wasn't a big distinction emotionally - both usually suck, moreso on the receiving end of course. Divorce had a lot more anger because of the additional bureaucracy involved - never again.

Luckily at the moment I'm really enjoying singledom - but last break up was in Jan; at the time I put this mess together to keep me pickin scabs during some of the heavier brooding moments... as you can guess, I was in a pretty ugly place to come up with some of these choices.
I don't find myself being too contemporary with a breakup mix - it has to be a lot like comfort food - this is topped with plenty of butta and sour cream...


My Post Xmas Fuck You Mix
Zep: Since I've Been Loving You
The THE: Another Boy Drowning
Love & Rockets: Haunted When the Minutes Drag
Honey Tongue: On Thursdays
Smiths: I Know It's Over
Grizzly Bear: Knife
Ella Fitzgerald: You Won't Be Satisfied (until you break my heart)
PJ Harvey: Oh My Lover
Phil Collins: I Don't Care Anymore (yep ouch, but he MEANT it man)
Duran Duran: Careless Memories
Buzzcocks: Ever Fallen in Love...
AC Marias: Time Was
Throwing Muses: Run Letter
Nina Simone: Hold No Grudge
Coltrane: Resolution (breakdown)
Beta Band: Dry the Rain
Broken Soc. Scene: Finish Your Collapse & Stay for Breakfast
Jobim: How Insensitive
Beatles: For No One
PJ Harvey: Is that all there Is?


good luck - booze & weed is always good recovery facilitator, but I always find bars to be toxic (other than live music)

Good break-up songs? Hmmm...

I've been separated from my spouse for two years, and I'm headed for divorce, but I've passed my mourning phase. I'm ol' skool and I'm a funkateer.

A break-up song that really expresses my feelings? Well, as much as I hate to say it, "Sail On" by the Commodores.

There's a song by a group down on the Carolina Beach Music circuit called "Bring Your Own Money". The group is called the fabulous Jellyrolls.

Another song that comes to mind is Teddy Pendergrass's "I Don't Love YOu Anymore." It's the kind of song guys aren't allowed to do anymore because it's more of a celebratory song than an "oh-my-baby-left-me" song.

"This Much Fun," by Cowboy Mouth. It's on the Voodoo Shoppe album. Go get it.

pungent?

man the last time i used this word, it was winter.

The smoke was light green not like it is now, brown.

With some folks, it's marriage(s) ... with me, historically, it's been jobs.

The way I've come to view it, being laid off from a job is like being dumped by a girlfriend: it's always a bummer, but how fast you get over it depends on how good the girlfriend was.

My last layoff, in 2004, was like being dumped by a greedy, selfish bitch.

What's the difference between your marriage and your job?

Your job still sucks after 3 years

The thing to remember - The height of the pleasure in the relationship is usually matched by the depth of the despair in the break up.

Break-up songs are the pinnacle of pop.

Dead Flowers to me is the best of the best. So simple yet so sublime.
Others I go with:
Birds - you can take Young's original, but I might add that Linda Ronstadt's version is incredible.
Walk Away Renee - Georgeous

Gram Parsons, The Exploding Hearts, and Descendents have many great break up songs. I survived Jr High and High School with songs like Ace and 80's Girl from the Descendents.

Last winter The Magnetic Fields' album Distortion got me through a break-up. I haven't listen to it so much since then because it is really attached to that dark period of my life. Great Album by the way.

beauty ages. you can't see it though. Relax, neither can she.

That's exactly what my dad told me — pretty much the only advice he gave me, vis-à-vis the opposite sex. "Marry someone your own age, son ... no more than a year or two age difference, either way. I'll tell ya why: because looks fade! But so does eyesight. So if you marry someone your own age, it evens out!"

I did end up doing so ... though not because of his suggestion. (Not intentionally, anyway.)